The Life & Adventures of One Little Aussie

[subtitled: I get the way this ceiling fan feels]

Sometimes I understand that the only way to get out of something is to continue to take the power back and repeat the words 'I choose' over and over again until my beating heart calms and I can breathe smoothly again.

Usually I have to employ that technique when I wake up first thing in the morning and I am yet again hit with questions like 'how did I not see', 'I fell for it all', 'I'm such a dummy', 'but she told me she loved me', 'why would someone choose to lie so hard and so often' and my favourite 'why would anyone actually want to be that kind of person in the first place'.

I am so fucking tired of those questions and know I just have to realise that there are some question that can't be answered and some people in this world who just choose to be that way and continue to perpetuate those things to just get what they want from someone.  I know I am fortunate to get this far in life before realizing that and experiencing that.

I just have a lot of trouble answering the question why someone would want to actually be that way. And yes, I also get that 'analysis is paralysis'...lol (thanks D!!)

I hate that I had to learn this lesson with this person, in this way. I hate it. But I did and I have had to. I am annoyed at myself for not listen to my intuition or peoples warnings, that I just wanted to believe in something and someone more than I should have, more than what was actually there. But I did and I have. And I get super frustrated that it is taking me this long to work it out and let go of it. But it is.

And just when I think I have let the questions go, my brain wakes me up with it again and like a petulant child, it torments me with these questions again and again until I start whispering 'I forgive myself for putting myself in harms way' and 'I choose to let it go' a-fucking-gain. I soothe my aching heart and my weeping child and I try to take my own foot out of my own ass and get up and go into the world a little wiser, with a little more compassion and a lot more honesty. And that gets easier every day, but damn, sometimes.....I oughta. 

I continue to make a pact with myself to remain open to the world and to the beautiful people that the universe has always, and will always, bring into my life. Knowing that this will be a learning moment for me, a moment when my person has been ripped apart and rebuilt (6 million dollar woman) but it WILL NOT be the way I be in the world, I WILL NOT be defined by this experience but rather take what I need and leave the rest.

Because but for the grace of god, of spirit, of love, of desire, of want, of choice....there go I.

And one morning, soon....I won't even remember these questions anymore, and what a damn party that will be.

Xxm

This could be what I would like it to look like. Filled with beautiful music, warmth, lots of wood, good people and fairy lights.

Laying up here on the second floor on the day bed, listening to tunes after playing a fun quick set that was warmly received by a good bunch of folkies. I am back this way in a few weeks for the Woodstock Folk Festival, just incase you are nearby (20th July), they are good peeps and it will be a fun festival.

Xxm

Then of course there's random Teddy bears hanging on the wall that suggest other events that may have occurred in this space (of course, Tory suggested that and this photo, not me).

Xxm

I am in Woodstock, IL playing at the Masthouse tonight. Its a beautiful 100 year old house that has every instrument you could ever want to play on the walls, and music memorabilia on every other wall. It is amazing room to just sit and witness and is totally dedicated to music.

The wonderful Annemarie (who does the girl on the road blog and posts here sometimes) is the host for this evenings affairs and we have already started the evening off with a great meal, good conversation and bloody excellent red wine. Can I say yet again that I feel one of the greatest parts of my job is that the people that host me are always great people (can count the asses on on hand) and it makes life on the road that much better.

Now to have a quick pre gig nap to the soothing sounds of a dulcimer being played in the corner. Lol

Xxm

In Indianapolis....pretty no?

You know, this blog is almost close to having it's 10,000th visitor since September - pretty wild to think that many people are reading. A little scarey too at times. Lol.

Anyway, thanks for reading...being part of the journey.

xxm

The things people throw away.....I wanted to grab this for El Frida (yoah Wendy), if its still there in the morning, its mine!! Or, yours. Coz everyone needs a turkey, right?

Yes, the quintessential 4th of July parade here in Sagatuck, MI. Its very interesting to witness, I don't think I have ever been to a 4th of July parade before.

People want to know if we have them in Australia....4th of July parades?

In other random things, I was talking on email with someone today about the idea of 'living your truth' and what that means. And if someone says they are 'living their truth' but being dishonest and hurting peoples hearts along the way, is that still 'living their truth'. What if their truth was it was okay to be that way in the first place? Hmm....back to 4th of july and not really over analysing..lol, who the fuck am I kidding!!

Xxm

So this is the michigan side of lake Michigan (as opposed to the Illinois or wisconsin side). I think this is the biggest lake I have ever seen in my life, and infact I have moments where I forget its a lake. I had heard that this was a beautiful place to experience it from and its true! You have to walk through the Saugatuck National forest to get here and for a moment it reminded me a little of parts of Western Australia.

Of course, that stopped when I jumped in the water.....IT'S FUCKING FREEZING!!!! But still, diving under the water and feeling my body surrounded by water (fresh water too) was good for my soul and long overdue.

And....I think I just worked out how to keep the flies off me (the biting kind, not just the bothering kind).

All good

Xxm

So, in the last 24 hours I have had my chakras worked on, my cranial sacral worked on, had an occipital realignment, been reikied, reflexologized, mostly retrieved my own soul, almost past lifed and had someone lay their hands on me and follow anxiety out of my body, to the point that I saw and followed it leaving. Its been fucking amazing to see the random, and not so random, people the universe has brought into my world, all because I asked, begged for healing and a chance to move on and leave the things that don't serve me behind. And it aint finished yet.

I understand more and more the concept of asking for what you need and being willing to receive it, whatever it looks like. Beautiful healers have touched my soul and come back with good things to report and I feel unbelievably blessed and supported by the universe. And I am magnificently grateful for the people that are in my world that let me share their talents, as I share mine.

And here we sit, waiting for the fireworks, which I think are really my own personal celebration for all this gifting...at least, that's what I am saying thank you for which each bang of a firework.

Xxm

And damn, look at that muscle, she says to herself....

Here it goes....the new armband.

Me, Tory and her mates....chilling on the balcony checking out the peeps that are turning out for the fireworks.

The tune billowing out of the karaoke machine down below: 'give me the beat boys and free my soul, I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away....won't you take me away'.

Ahh, I get it

Xxm

So, this is the view from the balcony I am standing on, the July 4th celebration thingys are setting up right below. But here's the thing....they have the july 4th celebrations here in Allegan, on the 3rd. I think it's because they are on Australian time...but I haven't been able to find a city official to ask them yet. Maybe later.

We have a birdseye view of the events of the day from the safety and comfort of the balcony and sangria is the drink of the evening....I am pretty stoked to be able to sit up here and watch fireworks and do something '4thy'. And of course, the smell of bbq wafting up makes me feel...well, hungry (don't read that bit D).

It's been a morning of playing music and chatting, talking a lot about our 'default' settings as humans. You know, in crisis or trauma, the parts of our person, the pre existing, pre learned traits that we fall back on...usually not always tremendously healthy parts of ourselves that are instilled in us as children for whatever reason. And how do we as adults come to terms with those parts and rather than yelling at them and cursing them, getting to a place where we can acknowledge their existance and move through them with love (towards ourselves). I see the last 8 months of my life as being a catalyst for such major change in my person and I am starting to actually have moments where I am grateful for the opportunity to look at those things that come up, knowing that I want to grow and be a fully conscious, aware, ever growing, moving forward kinda human bean. Fuck sometimes it's exhausting....

Some of the things that have come up for me around anger & guilt and feeling guilty for having anger, has been really fascinating to look at. I realize that all of those emotions and reactions are part of life and part of being human, and I am seeing how much of my church background and my upbringing has stopped me from feeling and expressing anger...even when completely warranted. And then feeling guilty for being angry and being scared about being or expressing anger because people won't like me or will be offended, or that I will hurt someones feelings or that i will somehow just become an angry person..and we all know people like that..and I don't want to become a person like that or react from that place....and blahblahblah. I think in Western society in particular, we are warned about getting angry and taught, especially as women, to not express anger. Rather to keep it inside and not acknowledge it's existance....or take a pill.

As my friend Deb says though, all these things are part of our world and, if we can express them in a conscious way (in word, song, writing etc) and leave it there...not take it away and stew on it over and over again forever and a day, replaying it over and over....then that is true growth. That even enlightened people have felt and expressed anger.

Hmmm..these are things I ponder on as I feel ties from my past fall away from me and for the first time yesterday as I walked through the streets of Allegan after my session, I felt kinda like me again...but different.

xxm

This is what is called a 'giant turtle', homemade in Allegan, MI. Its chocolate with caramel and pecans. Its really bloody good, a little at a time....over the course of a few hours. Add to that a glass of red wine, a wicked thunderstorm, and a good movie after a magnificent massage and cranial therapy/chakra thingy session....and it seems that this is indeed the end to a good day.

Blessed and clear right at this moment, is how I feel

Xxm

So, one other part of my adventure to Michigan that I wanted to mention, happened last night on the drive from Kalamazoo to Allegan. A white owl flew directly in front of the car, so close that you could touch it. It was beautiful and magical and left us both with our mouths open a little. Tory said she believed it was a sign for me and that an owl (this looked like a white owl) sign in animal medicine is a symbol of rebirth, of releasing patterns and ties that hold you back. I also found this information about it online:

Owl knows that all apparent manner of death is in fact a liberation into a new life. Something must first be cleared away for anything new to be born. When a person moves, leaves a job or relationship, has a baby, adopts a new animal friend, something in the old way of life had to die for the new to be created. At the time it may seem incredibly painful because we have been taught that death is an ending, not a new beginning, and that what is in the process of being born is always more beneficial than the old. The pain and grief is extended and heightened when we try to hang on to what was because we believe that it's the best we would ever have. The unknown can seem dreadfully forbidding.

Owl medicine can also help a person to extract secrets, to see that which is hidden in the darkness and is very powerful for soul retreivals for this reason. Much like their Animal Totem, the two-legged beside whom Owl flies will possess a uncanny ability to penetrate beyond the masks, untruths, "white lies" and deceits of others in order to see to the Truth of the matter, individual or experience.

Bloody cool huh?

xxM

Aren't you desperate to know what the 'more' actually is???

So, here I am in Allegan,MI after the slowest Amtrak ride ever. Seems it was the little train that could and at one point when I heard them announce that we were stopped because they were needing to build a path for the train....all I could do was laugh. It seemed like a comedy of errors ranging from that to having to pull the train off the tracks at one point because they suddenly realised that another train was coming the other way. I kid you not. A 3 hour trip ended up taking around 5 1/2...but, a little nap, a little writing, a little chatting, a little texting, a little looking out the window and realizing that I could have jogged faster than the train was going...and I was here.

Its definately a nice relaxed space up here overlooking this body of unknown water and I am off to explore the town before my first session. Woohoo....bring it on!! Totally excited by it.

Xxm

I am sitting on my first ever Amtrak train heading to Kalamazoo, Michigan! I decided last minute that I was going to head up for the rest of the week to spend some time with my friend Tory, who is not only a fabulous singer, but a very intuitive healer also.

Ironically enough, I met Tory at the national womens fest last year when I lost my voice and she did some chakra and massage work on me to help me get it back. We have spent good time over the last few months chatting on the phone and sharing our journeys with each other and I am glad to call her a friend. She has been one of the voices on the other end of the phone who has helped me find clarity and understanding when I have struggled to find it.

We caught up at pride on Sunday and I knew I had take up her offer of doing some cranial sacral/chakra work in exchange for offering what I know about songwriting!! Gulp.

Anyway, I am going not only because my bod is still in a little grief over the car accident, but also because I need some help with cutting the ribbons that still tie me to someone and something I don't want be tied to anymore. The intuitive moments that call me back to this person daily. I am done trying to understand it, or find truth where none is offered, or wonder and question and scream outloud about it. I am done. I am going because I need to be finished with this energy. I want to be able to write about it and sing about it and not feel tears running down my cheeks each time. I want to remove the triggers this experience holds in my life. I want my chakras clean of it, I want to do what I can to purge my heart and soul of it before it hurts me anymore that I have already let it. I want to do my own exorcism. (look out for spinning heads and vomit).

And I am going because I can, because Tory has so generously opened up her home and her gifts to me and I hope I can bless her with my gifts in return.

Yee bloody ha! The train is moving.....

Xxm

I am sitting in the DRs office, about to get checked out because of the car accident last week, and the nurse walked in to do all my blood pressure stuff when she noticed the tattoo on my arm.

'This, too, will pass'

She held her hand to her heart and I watched as goose bumps rose on her arms and tears welled up in her eyes. She told me her mum use to say that to her all the time when she was alive and that she felt it was a sign from her mum to remember. Seems her son has just been shipped off to Afghanistan and mumma is stressed and nervous to send her youngest born off. Hell, who would blame her.

We both concurred that all things, good and bad, will pass.

Xxm

So, we are saying goodbye to Deb today and its a sad goodbye. Deb heads back to Australia at the end of this month for good and visiting phoenix just won't be the same.

She has deeksha'd (sp?) us all week, been in a car accident, hit the weirdest Chicago pride ever, gone on my bike ride with me most days, shared her story and listened to mine (mostly listened, occasionally just nodded like she was listening as I rehashed the same shit!!), drunk beer, seen fireflies for the first time, told some of the funniest stories ever, eaten pizza till she popped, gotten brain freeze, had sunburn and been drenched by the rain...all on the same day, traipsed around Chicago with me all day being a good tourist and just been a fucking good soul to spend a week with.

Gotta love people like that and you know I am grateful, yet again, to call her friend.

Xxm

Ps.....hello out to Kate!!

So, this is the bizarrest pride festival ever. Just when we thought it was finished, it started again, and again, and again. We went and had lunch because we thought it was done and about 20 minutes later, it started again!

But....this is my fav thing in the parade so far. If I had a poodle, I'd probably do this to it too, or maybe not. Or maybe.

Anyway, back to the stopping...oh no, starting again parade.

This is really the parade that just keeps on giving.

Xxm

This is the Aussie contingent here at pride today....me, Deb and Jo (whose from Albany!!). We are wet and a little prided out right now.

Xxm

This is the welcoming committee as you walk into Chicago pride.
I was happy to see that the noise they were making was well and truely drowned by the cheers of happy gay people.

Xxm

Eating aforementioned ice, holding our heads....

If you are ever over in Chicago, you should try Mario's Ice...get the real fruit ones, they are extremely yummy.

xxm

The party continues outside the famous marios Italian ice in little Italy. Its a tiny hole in the wall with lines out to the street. We looked for parking for 20 minutes to come sample it...will tell you in a minute how it is.

Oh for a scratch and sniff blog.....

Xxm

Sitting here at gino's pizza in downtown Chicago with my mate Deb and the sweet Kathleen...who is the director of tonights festivities.

Gino's is a famous pizza place down here and the walls are lined with graffiti...the only restaurant I have ever been to where they encourage you to draw on the walls.

Its a fun night of cheeky laughs, intimate stories of broken hearts, deep dish pizza, and of course, its pride here in Chicago this weekend. We are all hitting the parade tomorrow and are planning our outfits now....pasties/tassels and chaps is where we are leaning towards right now.

Xxm

'How do you redefine something that never really had a name?'

Savage Garden

So, what a fun night da hockey girls turned into. Of course, that might have just been me...I think my mates were a little bored and were waiting for me to want to leave. I thought there was going to be a brawl at one stage but I wasn't lucky enough to start that. Damn. And I tried....

Kudos out to Kim, Becky, Mary T and the other members of the teams.

Xxm

Me taking a photo of Deb, taking a photo of me.....in the famous kidney bean.

Xxm

This is an art installation in downtown Chicago called the 'thousand faces of chicago'. Its literally 1000 faces of Chicago people that come up on these huge tv screens. At various intervals the faces purse their lips and a huge water spray comes out the lips.

Its an awesome installation to watch, but more so, the kids in front of them make me laugh my ass off. Most definately I fight with ripping my clothes off and jumping in with them. Although, I did just see a dad in his three piece suit out there with his kid, which was beautiful to watch.

I am happy to report that we are all mostly fine this morning. We all actually had heat stroke last night too (because we stood out on the road with the car in the sun for too long). That resulted in us chucking up through the night (I know, pretty image). But....aside from a little stiffness, we are happy campers.

Yes, miraculously, my guitar survived with just a little crack. Here's an amazing thing, I actually had a pa system on the back seat with me, at the last minute I decided to put it there instead of in the trunk, and put my guitar in the trunk (in a soft pack)....which I would NEVER do normally. If that pa system had have gone in the trunk, the depth of impact would have pushed the system into my back and wedged me between the seats. See....there's always a silver lining, no?

Back to laughing at the chidlins. More Chicago experiences to come....including a party tonight with two womens ice hockey teams....hmm.

Xxm