And....I have three songs in for consideration for the last season of The L Word. Any moments of good thoughts you can send up to the sky for me, would be welcomed. Imagine either Devils Clothes, Take You or Choices on there.....
This is the river that I follow on my bike ride almost every day. I was watching it as I rode past this morning and slammed on my brakes to sit and look on it's beauty for a while. I get the concept of life being like a flowing river, if we choose it.
We have so much choice in this life....I feel for sure that everyday we collectively make choices that will determine and dictate where we go and how we be. For me personally, there is no such thing as no accountability, for I hold myself accountable for the choices I make.
Do we tell our truth, do we be ourselves, do we choose to trust and believe...in ourselves, life and others. Do we choose to be trustworthy. Do we be open despite past hurt, do we love again despite a broken heart. Do we expose who we are despite the chance of rejection. Do we laugh hard, cry openly, give of ourselves, react and speak truthfully, honor ourselves while still being able to honor others. Do we choose not to filter ourselves for a variety of fear based reasons. Do we follow our passion or passionately follow what it is we choose. Do we lay it all down and out at each moment, in each encounter with another human, or with just ourselves. Do we choose to stay in the moment rather than running ahead with what may or may not be. Do we look in the mirror at the end of each day, into our own eyes, and be proud of who we were that past day, of how we chose to be.
Do we stop long enough to be conscious of our power and of the choices we can make in every moment which can affect the rest of our lives....and the lives of others. Do we choose to act with conscious, loving intention towards those in our worlds.
Yes, life flows like this river, if we get out of the way of ourselves and let it. I sit on this thursday by the river with a smile on my face, a smile that has been there so long that my jaw is sore. And there's an unexpected, and beautiful, giddy in my heart because I realise, again, that I have choice and that yesterday is gone and here is now....and I choose.
This is Broadie...some of you will have seen him from a blog post a few weeks ago. He sent out a message asking all his friends to help his Aunty Hedder, and I HAD to forward it to you....they need our help people. Read on:
Brody's Aunt, Heather Hughes, is a DIE HARD Cubs fan! For as long as anyone can remember, she has loved the cubs.
Kelly, her sister, doesn't think she misses a game, whether watching it on TV, listening to it on the radio or attending an actual game.
Heather has been selected as a semi finalist for the Baby Ruth Ultimate 7th Inning Stretch Guest Conductor contest for the Chicago Cubs!!
The 1st step in the process was to write a statement about why she is a Cub fan. Her essay was 1 of 1000 chosen.
-2nd step was a live audition at Wrigley Field. She made the cut from the 1000 to 50.
- 3rd step - a video that was made at the live audition will be on the web at www.cubs.com on July 30th. Each week day starting today through the 8th of August, there will be five videos on the web. Each day a finalist will be chosen by the fans voting.
So her chances of being picked to continue are now 1 in 5! We are hoping that you all can help Brody's Auntie Heather in two ways.
- First, forward this to everyone you know! - Second, go to on Wednesday, July 30th and vote for Heather as many times as you can!(Not sure if you can vote more than once)
To be chosen as a semi-finalist is an honor. With everyone's help she hopes that she will be able to continue in the process. She practices every time she is with Brody and Cole (Brody's little Bro) and they would be so proud to see their Auntie Heather sing "their favorite song."
We ask that you help her in achieving this honor.
So, my fine friends....wanna help Broadie's Aunty Hedder achieve her dream? Run, fly...follow your heart to www.cubs.com to help...
So, I am finding myself wonderfully inspired lately. In a smiling randomly, sighing outloud kinda way.
I mean, I have been going through a huge creative outburst the past 6 months anyway.. trauma, betrayal, hurt does that to you I think...but, I have found myself reaching out and connecting with people in ways I probably haven't before....and some of those moments, a lot of those moments, have been wonderfully inspiring.
Sunday night I sat around with a group of people, some of whom I had never met before, and found myself sharing really intimately about my journey, and in turn, some of them shared really intimately about their journey too.
At one point I sat there and realised, that this experience is a huge part of my life.....being able to take the time to have open, honest, intimate, no holds barred exchanges with people as I go. To have moments where we laugh hard, cry, vent, say 'wow' and more often than not, give a big sigh of relief and happiness at the end. Sometimes I might never see that person again, but at that moment we are magical joined by a thread of common experience and the world feels less scarey and far away.....and our heartache and experience is mutually shared, honored, felt and respected and together we can reach out towards one another and bring some kind of healing.
Its fucking beautiful.
This is what I think on this Tuesday.
Xxm
Ps.....in other news, big lovie shout outs to Lyndell Montgomery whose bday was Sunday....Lyndell and I ARE going to play together next year. (putting it out to the universe....dream line up: Lyndell, JJ on drums and Julie on keys....fuck we'd rock)
And to my little brother Anthony, whose bday it is today in Australia and tomorrow here in the US. Happy birthday bro! I love you and get your ass over here already!!
Oh....because of all the amazing feedback I have been getting about my poems....thank you thank you thank you....I am working hard at getting them published into a book. Hopefully will be out by the end of the year!!! Yay!
I had to post this picture...especially seeing as my inspiration was elsewhere today....this is Ben. Cindy, who is a regular reader and wonderful supporter and mate emailed this photo to me today because we were telling funny ass stories last night after the show (ass being the key word in that sentence...some of you will know my love of poo stories and getting people to share theirs)...and Ben featured in a particularly funny one. The type of story that only someone who really loves him could tell...lol.
It should be a rule that after every house concert in the world, there should be a BBQ. It would keep Australian musicians happy the world around. As it does this one.
A beautiful house concert was had here with Sheri and Lisa as the hosts, great audience of fun people ready for the ride and now its time to chow down and throw back a few coolers with da chicks. A great weekend of shows has been had.
Can I say again how much I love that I get to do this for my life and meet and experience the people that I do. I am blessed....hopefully you aren't sick of me saying that, coz I be true.
My mate June in San Jose, CA....and her date for the night (her words....lol). June and I walked the labrynth together and solved all our problems in that one walk.
From where I sit, just finished a sweet house concert here in southern Illinois. Fun people and a beautiful Saturday night. The cicadas are singing loud. I have a cocktail called 'foreplay' in my hand, sending thoughts out towards the west coast. Lol.
This is Maddox, the youngest and most amazingly gifted sound engineer. He's working on a new dance mix at Chace Productions in Burbank, with his mum Brooke and mate Dionne looking on.
Driving into Chicago for my show tonight, the first of three this weekend. Gotsta say, am feeling a little under the weather right now, hoping that the vegemite on toast I ate before I left home will stay down long enough to be the miracle cure!!
Hey, don't forget, tomorrow is the second round of 'around the world on a saturday'. Send me a photo of what you are doing either from your phone or camera and I will put it up here. Remember to tell me where you are and who is in your shot! Send them to me here info@martinelocke.com - if your photo wasn't up last week, its because I didn't get it! So send again!!
Wish me and my fluey body well! Thank god for the all healing powers of vege.
Shining on me. Nothing but blue skies, is what I see.
I love the blue of the sky. It makes me happy and light and inspired. Summer out here is a good thing. Sitting outside, beautiful breeze, hanging with mates, playing music, talking, being. The fruit of life. Everyday I am further away from the past 6 months, the more I feel myself again. People told me that it would just take time and at the time I didn't or, couldn't believe, them. But its true, and now I will pay it forward and tell others the same truth.
In gratefulness for those that passed their truth along to me.
Its 2.30pm on a Wednesday and I am hanging out with a crew of mates (who r all teachers and on school holidays, hence the reason they can hang out at said time), we are shooting the shit, sharing amazing damn stories of life, sucking back the blue moon and waiting for the ribs to slow cook on the BBQ. I put this here for my little bro, who I KNOW would love to be here right now.....hanging with the chicks, shooting the shit, making us laugh (coz he's a funny fucker), waiting for the ribs to cook.
Tis a good life my friends. Good mates, good food, good chats, good adventures, good music, good love abounds and I am grateful for the beautiful, honest, down to earth, passionate, funny as all fuck, solid humans that are in my world...all the others can fuck the hell off.
This is a photo slide show against the back drop of the finale song 'women rise up'. These photos bring back great memories of great people...damn to do that every weekend.
is a fun astrologer that I have followed for years. He tells great stories in between some really good astrological insight. Given my recent months, I have been pondering part of his other star sign reading for this week, I usually find him to be pretty spot on and he don't let me down with this little insight into others:
In her book "Zen Miracles", Brenda Shoshanna defines the "shadow" as being the unacceptable aspects of ourselves that we dump into our unconscious minds. As we avoid looking at that hidden stuff, it festers. Meanwhile, we project it onto people we know, imagining that they possess the qualities we're repressing. The antidote to this problem, says Shoshanna, is to "eat our shadow" -- haul it up from out of the pit and develop a conscious connection with it. Doing so not only prevents our unacknowledged darkness from haunting our thoughts and distorting our relationships; it also liberates tremendous psychic energy.
Getting ready to go watch Indiana Fever play the Chicago Sky tonight....all the Aussie's have left the teams to fly home to get ready for the Olympics..so it will be Tully free tonight, but still....lets see if any songs get written!!!
I HAD to put this photo up. I got it this morning from my mate TJ - she was a little too inebriated at the time to send it to me properly..hmm. This is her attempt at eating guacamole 'bubba' style, as she puts it. Check her naughtiness out here....jennytalia
Damn funny wench...she be. Anytime you see a post on my blog about flies, karma and people who do shitty things getting both..that be her, she talks straight. lol.
Good morning from Crystal Lake, IL. This is Shamus loving on the little lovely Ella. Seems Shamus was desperate for a cuddle from somewhere and made himself right at home on the lovely sleeping Ella (and btw, my first child would be called Ella, I love that name) (umm, no news to report on that front, just to stop you from asking).
Its a slow morning over here, there's been huge thunderstorms for most of the morning (saying that just for you DW, lol..I know! I know!) and we are all sitting here in our pjs, drinking coffee and watching the View...oh, don't even get me started about these girls..where has Whoopie's hair gone??
Hey, have you seen the new jibjab clip for the next election? Its very funny, those guys have a great story of how they created this wildly successful business out of parody. Go here: jibjab.com
In other really exciting news, the wonderful JJ Jones has been confirmed to come and play the red rock women's music festival in Utah next month with me AND we are trying to work it for the big Tado in Indy in September as well!
JJ is a fabulous drummer/percussionist who jumped in on the finale song with me at the National Womens Music Festival last month. It was an amazing performance and we both looked at each other afterwards and voted for playing together more!!! I wasn't sure how it was going to happen and just threw the idea out to the universe..and low and behold, two days later she was booked to come the fest. Love that stuff...can't wait to play with her.
So..for now it's back to gazing at Ella and Shamus
So, someone at the festival just emailed this photo to me.....looking around the festival, trying to work out who it is....lol. Don't recognise the email address!!
Love this kind of instantaneous stuff....thank god for technology.
That's me, way up there somewhere, possibly about to stomp on my mandolin.....
Sitting under a tree, trying to hide from the humidity, as the festivities here at the Woodstock Folk Festival get under way. This is the wonderful Annemarie, one of the organizers of the festival and hiding behind my hair (as is always the case when one chooses to sit next to me in a photo) is am's sister Jo.
Its nice to watch as this little community starts to turn out for the day. I am onstage at 1.15 and am excited by the sound of the PA (always a fun thing for a musician, we get totally excited by big beautiful sounds and pa systems that emit such sounds).
Thanks again to all the crew ago sent photos, fucking love it. Made me so excited to see all your faces and of course, I pined for you all.
Terri, me, Ellis, Annemarie.... Chicago IL. Saturday night, almost Sunday. Beautiful souls that I get to spend a Saturday night with.
Thanks to everyone who sent photos. I know some haven't made it through yet but I will post them as they come through. Love this, the feeling that we are all closer than it seems.
The beautiful Tina, Julie Wolf and Jen Todd. At Lu's party. This photo thing makes me miss everyone like mad and wish that I could somehow have everyone together all in one place, at once....love them all.
The wonderful Linda Shepley, owner of the ritual cafe (go there when in des moines) sent this photo of the sculpture called 'The Nomad' that sits across the street from the cafe...this is what she says:
Here's what I see out my window... only it's raining not snowing...
This is my great mate and the other half of the Velvet Janes, Rose...doing what she loves the most. Shopping!!! Umm...I didn't fully realize when I posted this first that she had a bra in her hand...good one mate!!
This is from the wonderful Julie Loyd, the view from where she sat in Chicago. Funny enough, it turns out she was at the show I was heading to!! And am sitting in!!
I have a new idea. Every weekend, like Saturday, I want to do a 'around the world tonight' picture blog. Email me photos from your phone info@martinelocke.com and I will post them up here.
First, my mates in indy....its a little dark but some of their faces are known on this blog. Joyce, Cathy, Abby, I think Cindy and can't see the other dude...sorry! They just did dinner in Indianapolis.
This is me.....? The problem is that I would want to walk around and want to pat my own head......it feels so soft. I am all wooled up and ready for some knitting.
This is Nels, from Wisconsin, modeling a beautiful green felt hat that he made himself..isnt he cute?? . I am doing a special guest spot at the Midwest folk and fiber festival today (to help advertise the Woodstock Folk Festival that is on tomorrow!) and I am in wool heaven.
A little known fact is that I love to knit, it's kinda meditative and then you hopefully get to wear it. Although I still have a half finished scarf sitting under my bed that I haven't been able to bring myself to finish yet, but I feel myself getting ready to pick it up again.
Anyway, there are hundreds of crafts people here with a bazillion different balls of hand made, hand spun wool from almost every furry animal ever known to me (New Zealand Possum...who knew you can knit a scarf out of one) and I just realised I am a little excited by the possibilities. Going to knit myself a new scarf, lost the last one....my absolute fav in the whole world.....in a bizarre turn of events last winter, but that probably wasn't a bad thing energetically..sometimes clothing can carry energy too I think.
But...it's time to get ready for this winter, I need a new scarf and there's some amazing alpaca wool here that just makes me want to cuddle up next to it.
Moments of beauty....this came up in the garden. Didn't even know it was planted but its grown up underneath the bird feeder. Reminds me of the wild sunflowers around perth and for a moment I think of the people I love over there and send them my heart.
So.....I'm out riding with my riding mate, kc....I take us down a new street, for no reason in particular, just wanted to....half way down the street I slow down to let a car pass and look down and there's $20. I exclaim 'woohoo, bring it on' to the universe (and coffee is my treat) and ride another few metres and bang....another $20....another few.....a couple of $5's...another few....ANOTHER $20. All in all, the bounty for this mornings ride is up to $78 and it aint over yet!!
I use to always find cash in random places. Once I found $6000 in a pencil case..in cash...and another time I was sitting on the loo in universal studios and felt something under my shoe, fearing the worst, I looked down and badda bing, $400 in cash.
Feels good to know that my world is returning to some kind of normal and the universe keeps reminding me that it aint done with me and is indeed looking out for this little Aussie!Oh me of little faith....
So, I think this is one of my favorite poses right now...oh, this and this one:
It makes me look like a professional bowler..I am pretty sure I got a strike this shot.
Me, KC and Wendy the non tour ho ho tried to get into the Lucky Strike a few weeks back to no avail...we decided we would try again...you know, just because we needed a dose of loud raucous music, flashing lights, screaming girls, beer and bowling. The midwest bowling challenge is now officially on....get ready chicks (and you know who you are) because you will be getting the phone call soon!
And Alex....teachers pet.....better brush up mate, come November, your ass will be here too.
xxm
ps....KC just sent me this photo, verifying that I won the game (although, she won the first game)
And I, I should know Coz I'm your secret Aren't I babe?
Great bloody song that I have been rehearsing for shows. I don't usually learn covers because it is time away from writing my own tunes, but damn, this Missy Higgins song spoke to me loud. Given that I have just experienced being a 'secret', its no wonder. Even though I play and write music for a living and my goal is to write tunes that connect deeply with people, I still have moments where I am amazed by how deeply I connect with some tunes that others write. I fucking love it.
Working on bookings for 2009 has started, its so amazing to work so far ahead, esp since I don't even know what I am going to eat for lunch....nevermind what I am going to do next March. But...this is the way it be.
Sitting in my favorite Irish bar with mates, looking at this lamp trying to work out what the inuendo is between the two lamp ladies.....they seem very happy with each other.
This is my songwriting book, with a recent song...it's all messy and I usually end up writing stuff over a few pages and then bringing it all back together on one complete page. People always ask how I write and do the words or the music come first. I keep saying, and will continue to say, that the only way to develop chops for writing is to honor the creative process. To not filter it, to be true to it when it hits you, regardless of where you are. Many of my friends will speak of the amount of times they watch me as I am busily typing something new into my phone...whether it be a song, a poem, or a blog entry. I am trying to learn how to be completely present but honor my own creative process at the same time. Because I know if I don't grab a line or a phrase or a tune as it comes out, that it will most likely be lost forever.
There are a shit load of new songs coming out and of course, new poems come out daily..whether they make it out is another question. Sometimes songs/poems may never see the light of day...and occasionally, probably some blog entries shouldn't either. But really, I am mostly in a 'who gives a fuck' kinda phase anyway. So done with being polite for now....or for good, who knows.
I was talking to two mates the other day, Alex & Dionne. Alex is in Sydney and Dionne is in LA and we were talking on email and text respectively. Neither of them know each other but we were all pretty much having the same conversation and both of them, almost at the same time said words to the effect of, 'who gives a fuck'. I took that as a sign from the universe that those are the right 4 words to be speaking right now.
So, my friends, back to writing my 'who gives a fuck' song. Actually....I must say that more of my songs have the word 'fuck' in them right now...think it's that angry phase again.
In Australia, we call arugula lettuce, Rocket lettuce...and it tastes different than it does here in the US, it's got more bite than the stuff you buy here. I brought some rocket seeds back with me from Australia at the beginning of the year (oops, sorry immigration)..they were mean't to be a gift for someone elses garden but I decided I wanted to keep them. So bloody glad I kept them, for so many reasons. I planted them and now I have a SHIT load of rocket lettuce to eat everyday. When I am home I literally walk out there every morning and grab a handful and walk around the garden chomping on it. It's all fresh and spicy and yummy and makes me think of home.
I know life goes on and things grow when we don't always notice, but I am constantly amazed how much growing this garden does. I go on the road for 4 days and come home and it looks completely different than it did 4 days earlier. I feel like a little kid in a candy store and I am constantly in awe of the process.
Someone who use to be in my life once gave me a schpeel about seeds being like people and planting them in the right environment and watching them grow up to fulfill their destiny...I realised today it made me angry to think about it like that as it was a metaphor that was being given to me as a way to justify something horrible and behaviour that was shameful. I wanted to say something about how manure can burn seeds in the same way that too much shit can burn a person. But I digress....
I sat in my garden today and thought about it and I realized why what metaphor made me crabby (other than knowing the truth now), it's because, what you see isn't always what you get when it comes to people. I wish it weren't like that, once upon a time, not so long ago, I use to think it wasn't like that at all...I use to take people completely at face value. If you were telling me something, I would absolutely believe you because why would you want to tell me something other than your truth? What would be the purpose of that.
But....when you plant a seed, it can't be anything other than what it actually is. Unless of course there's something fucked up about the soil or it gets genetically engineered to be something different, or if you are watching a simpsons cartoon and it gets planted in nuclear waste and grows up with three eyes.
I planted a rocket seed two months ago...it's in beautiful soil and me and my house mates look at it and tend to it everyday....and it has come up looking EXACTLY like rocket lettuce, and tasting EXACTLY like rocket lettuce, and smelling EXACTLY like rocket lettuce. Low and behold...that's because, IT IS ROCKET LETTUCE. The name on the front of the seed packet was right....it WAS what it said it was.
And that my friends, is really really beautiful....
There's something about that process that is really helping my soul heal and restore it's faith in the way things work and trusting somethings to be what they actually say they are.
And now, after that brain fart, back to chomping on my rocket....
In unbelievably sad news, the wonderful Katie Reider lost her fight with a rare facial tumor this morning. I wept when I heard the news and send thoughts and love out to her family and friends. Read more about her amazing journey and her courage with her battle here:
This is my mate BJ, making my morning coffee. Today is drip with two shots of espresso, I need the kick. And this coffee sure kicks ass over starfuckers, so come here, support indie small business.
I spend a lot of time listening to words....songs, poems, people when they talk....wondering what things mean and all. I like some of John Mayers lyrics a lot. On this day, this song spoke to a deep part of me.
Dreaming with a Broken Heart
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here was she standing in my room? No, she's not cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part She takes you in with her crying eyes then all at once you have to say goodbye wondering could you stay my love will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands? Would you get them if I did?
No, you won't Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part
From here....downtown Indy skyline, well, part of it.....just what you've always wanted to see no? This city is irreparably changed for me, but I keep walking towards it hoping that with each time it will get easier to be here and my heart won't ache. Not sure if I am being masochistic or if this is just what I need to do. I love playing music here, have some good friends here and making other good friends here, and at the end of the day, that is what causes my heart to sing.
Of out here. Love the way the blue and green play with each other.
Had a great show last night that was a little affected by a thunderstorm. I actually love to play with the crack of lightening playing with me, its kinda sexy.
The evansville girls showed up in fine form, phones ready to make prank calls (you had to be there). I am heading back into indy to go for a swim and chill out. Damn fun mini tour this has been, and I get to do it all again next week end. I love that I get to play music for my life and that I get to do it with and for such good peeps.
If this isn't the cheapest fuel I have seen in weeks. Henderson, KY my friends, that's how far you have to drive for the cheapest fuel around.
A thunderstorm is rolling in, which makes doing an outdoor show interesting...
I have been listening to Missy Higgins on the way over here. A fabulous Aussie singer/songwriter and I think I am going to cover one of her songs called 'secret' .....I get the song in a whole new way now and wanted to write one like it, but she said it all for me....check out the words:
I would've shouted loud and broken through I would've given it all to belong to you But there were different plans, different rules You said where I'm from there is a lock and key If you'd be so kind as to follow me I will show you the way to the rest of my sins
Cos you've got a secret don't ya babe? Yeah you, you got a secret don't ya babe? And I should know Yeah I should know
So this room was damp where your sins laid There was that smell in the air of an old place That hadn't seen much daylight in years And you threw me down, said, if ya don't mind I'm gonna leave you here until night time Then we can do what we want my baby out of the spotlight.
Cos you've got a secret don't ya babe? Yeah you, you got a secret don't ya babe? And I should know Yeah I should know
For I'm your secret aren't I babe? Yeah I'm your secret aren't I babe? Aren't I babe?
From where I stand....in the local bridgestone tyre place. My big ass gangsta car has a big old nail hanging out of the tyre.
Everyone in here keeps warning me about people in Kentucky, where I drive to next for a show tonight. A guy just told me that everyone in Kentucky carries a gun and to be careful not to upset anyone out there because they'll shoot me and bury me in the woods and no one will ever know.
Great, says me.
Think I need to start an intern touring program, got a week off, don't know what to do? Come on the road with me and tom-tom-tom. You too could be listening to these stories.
I wake up, roll over and what's the first thing I see?
Yup, its a Hilary nut cracker.....see the sharp jagged edges between her legs, that's where you stick the nuts.
So now its time to roll back over and nurse my sore head. I sang karaoke last night, actually, come to think of it, I was the only one out of our group who did. Hmm. I think I was set up.
Off to Cincinatti as soon as I can stop the pounding in my head.
Jeffrey and me.....he is single, and looking for a date. Very sweet, very good at what he does, very good sense of humor. Call him....he's in the book.
Actually, why am I talking about Jeffrey, that sounds like me....lol.
In dem der fields. So much prettier than the last time I drove down I-65. A fun night is planned with friends, old and new, including sambuca, Greek food and the first annual pool and dart championship. Look out indy, here comes trouble.
So, right as I moved to Chicago, this tree out the front of where I live got cut down. I remember waking up the first morning I was here and hearing the thud of the pieces as they dropped onto the ground. It was pretty dramatic at the time and shit, I wish I would have seen the symbolism of it then that I do now.
I have been watching it over the past 4 months. It looked really hurt to begin with, I remember looking at it and really feeling sad about it, like somehow all hope was lost with it. And then it was filled with water and it looked like it was trying to tell me something in the pouring rain as I nursed my broken self. Another day, it was just an ugly old tree stump....there was nothing but death all around it and then....oneday, it actually sprouted flowers.
It looks like they are getting ready to rip it out of the ground, and I was a bit sad to be losing it....like somehow its a record or a time marker for me. But I am grateful for the reminder that it brings to me, again, that this too, will pass and I look forward to seeing what they replace it with. Because you know, when something dies and gets pulled out, it makes room for new things. And that's always good.....
George Mill's poster "Freedom". The disclaimer at the bottom reads:
Certain restrictions apply. Subject to change without notice. The right of freedom is made available 'as is' and without warranty of any kind. The right of freedom may be exercised on the strict understanding that neither the government nor its ministers, employees, or agents shall be liable for losses of any kind.
So, I don't know about you, but sometimes I need a goal to get me somewhere or to do something. When I get into 'work mode' it can be hard to get me away from my computer or my guitar and suddenly its dinner time and I have no clue where the day has gone. I use to get crabby at myself for not exercising everyday or even a few times a week. These days exercising is something I wake up being excited about, knowing that it keeps stress and anxiety at bay and has been helping me tremendously. And you know, it also feels amazing in my body. Which doesn't hurt any either.
But still.....sometimes I need a goal, or a reward or a 'something' at the end of it. I have one ride I do, almost everyday when I am home, and its around 15 miles. At the 7 mile mark though is a starbucks and sometimes that is what keeps me from turning around and heading back home.
So today, all hail almighty starfucks.....and sorry BJ, I swear I don't drink it in indy!!
Okay, so that's two words. But two very important words and learn from my mistake.....back up your data!!
Its an interesting experience to lose the past 6 months of work and contacts and I mostly find myself watching the process quite calmly. I feel like my own experience of starting again is helping me....and you know, sometimes there's just nothing you can do about it and so getting all worked up about it isn't going to help anything.
Oh, and definately sometimes all you can do about something, is laugh.
So here I go, laughing, and grateful that this screen finally turned up on my laptop.
I am trying to teach jack to say 'gday mate' (infact, everytime I say fuck I have to follow it with gday mate, lest he learns to say fuck) (actually, I just realised, what if he starts saying 'fuck, gday mate'?) . He is an African Gray and they can copy almost any sound they hear. I have heard another one have an entire phone conversation, both parties on either end of the phone, right from the phone number being dialed to the phone being hung up! It was freaky! He is the second one I have met before (hi Christy and Cheryl!) and is unbelievably smart.
In other news, my laptop connected with some water and it looks like my hard drive is fried! And guess who hasn't backed up in a while! Ha! Just gotta laugh!! Probably a strange blessing in some ways. But, if you booked me for a show or asked me a question etc that I haven't answered, would you please email again!!
So, this is the way cagney has to eat everyday. And then he has to sit for 15 minutes so the food stays down. He has no muscle tone in his esophagus so food won't stay in if he doesn't hang out in his little high chair and let it settle in his tummy. He weighs 60 pounds now and is a miracle dog of love.
And yes, Lacey is somewhere too. Some good puppy loving never goes astray, esp when a puppy has the story that this fellow has. I will post a picture later of what he has to do 3 times a day to survive. And he's such a bundle of love.....
Sometimes I understand that the only way to get out of something is to continue to take the power back and repeat the words 'I choose' over and over again until my beating heart calms and I can breathe smoothly again.
Usually I have to employ that technique when I wake up first thing in the morning and I am yet again hit with questions like 'how did I not see', 'I fell for it all', 'I'm such a dummy', 'but she told me she loved me', 'why would someone choose to lie so hard and so often' and my favourite 'why would anyone actually want to be that kind of person in the first place'.
I am so fucking tired of those questions and know I just have to realise that there are some questions that can't be answered, some truth that you will never be given and some people in this world who just choose to be that way. I know I am fortunate to get this far in life before realizing that and experiencing that.
I just have a lot of trouble answering the question why someone would want to actually be that way. And yes, I also get that 'analysis is paralysis'...lol (thanks D for the reminder!!)
I hate that I had to learn this lesson with this person, in this way. I hate it. But I did and I have had to. I am annoyed at myself for not listening to my intuition or peoples warnings, that I just wanted to believe in something and someone more than I should have, more than what was actually there. But I did and I have. And I get super frustrated that it is taking me this long to work it out and let go of it. But it is.
And just when I think I have let the questions go, my sneaky brain wakes me up with it again and like a petulant child, it torments me with these questions again. Until I start whispering 'I forgive myself for putting myself in harms way' and 'I choose to let it go' a-fucking-gain. I soothe my aching heart and my weeping child and I try to take my own foot out of my own ass and get up and go into the world a little wiser, with a little more compassion and a lot more honesty. And that gets easier every day, but damn, sometimes.....I oughta.
I continue to make a pact with myself to remain open to the world and to the beautiful people that the universe has always, and will always, bring into my life. Knowing that this is a huge learning moment for me, a chance to rebuild after feeling broken down.
And, you know, but for the grace of god, of spirit, of love, of desire, of want, of choice....there go I.
And one morning, soon....I won't even remember these questions anymore, and what a damn party that will be.
This could be what I would like it to look like. Filled with beautiful music, warmth, lots of wood, good people and fairy lights.
Laying up here on the second floor on the day bed, listening to tunes after playing a fun quick set that was warmly received by a good bunch of folkies. I am back this way in a few weeks for the Woodstock Folk Festival, just incase you are nearby (20th July), they are good peeps and it will be a fun festival.
Then of course there's random Teddy bears hanging on the wall that suggest other events that may have occurred in this space (of course, Tory suggested that and this photo, not me).
I am in Woodstock, IL playing at the Masthouse tonight. Its a beautiful 100 year old house that has every instrument you could ever want to play on the walls, and music memorabilia on every other wall. It is amazing room to just sit and witness and is totally dedicated to music.
The wonderful Annemarie (who does the girl on the road blog and posts here sometimes) is the host for this evenings affairs and we have already started the evening off with a great meal, good conversation and bloody excellent red wine. Can I say yet again that I feel one of the greatest parts of my job is that the people that host me are always great people (can count the asses on on hand) and it makes life on the road that much better.
Now to have a quick pre gig nap to the soothing sounds of a dulcimer being played in the corner. Lol
You know, this blog is almost close to having it's 10,000th visitor since September - pretty wild to think that many people are reading. A little scarey too at times. Lol.
Anyway, thanks for reading...being part of the journey.
The things people throw away.....I wanted to grab this for El Frida (yoah Wendy), if its still there in the morning, its mine!! Or, yours. Coz everyone needs a turkey, right?
Yes, the quintessential 4th of July parade here in Sagatuck, MI. Its very interesting to witness, I don't think I have ever been to a 4th of July parade before.
People want to know if we have them in Australia....4th of July parades?
In other random things, I was talking on email with someone today about the idea of 'living your truth' and what that means. And if someone says they are 'living their truth' but being dishonest and hurting peoples hearts along the way, is that still 'living their truth'. What if their truth was it was okay to be that way in the first place? Hmm....back to 4th of july and not really over analysing..lol, who the fuck am I kidding!!
So this is the michigan side of lake Michigan (as opposed to the Illinois or wisconsin side). I think this is the biggest lake I have ever seen in my life, and infact I have moments where I forget its a lake. I had heard that this was a beautiful place to experience it from and its true! You have to walk through the Saugatuck National forest to get here and for a moment it reminded me a little of parts of Western Australia.
Of course, that stopped when I jumped in the water.....IT'S FUCKING FREEZING!!!! But still, diving under the water and feeling my body surrounded by water (fresh water too) was good for my soul and long overdue.
And....I think I just worked out how to keep the flies off me (the biting kind, not just the bothering kind).
So, in the last 24 hours I have had my chakras worked on, my cranial sacral worked on, had an occipital realignment, been reikied, reflexologized, mostly retrieved my own soul, almost past lifed and had someone lay their hands on me and follow anxiety out of my body, to the point that I saw and followed it leaving. Its been fucking amazing to see the random, and not so random, people the universe has brought into my world, all because I asked, begged for healing and a chance to move on and leave the things that don't serve me behind. And it aint finished yet.
I understand more and more the concept of asking for what you need and being willing to receive it, whatever it looks like. Beautiful healers have touched my soul and come back with good things to report and I feel unbelievably blessed and supported by the universe. And I am magnificently grateful for the people that are in my world that let me share their talents, as I share mine.
And here we sit, waiting for the fireworks, which I think are really my own personal celebration for all this gifting...at least, that's what I am saying thank you for which each bang of a firework.
Me, Tory and her mates....chilling on the balcony checking out the peeps that are turning out for the fireworks.
The tune billowing out of the karaoke machine down below: 'give me the beat boys and free my soul, I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away....won't you take me away'.
So, this is the view from the balcony I am standing on, the July 4th celebration thingys are setting up right below. But here's the thing....they have the july 4th celebrations here in Allegan, on the 3rd. I think it's because they are on Australian time...but I haven't been able to find a city official to ask them yet. Maybe later.
We have a birdseye view of the events of the day from the safety and comfort of the balcony and sangria is the drink of the evening....I am pretty stoked to be able to sit up here and watch fireworks and do something '4thy'. And of course, the smell of bbq wafting up makes me feel...well, hungry (don't read that bit D).
It's been a morning of playing music and chatting, talking a lot about our 'default' settings as humans. You know, in crisis or trauma, the parts of our person, the pre existing, pre learned traits that we fall back on...usually not always tremendously healthy parts of ourselves that are instilled in us as children for whatever reason. And how do we as adults come to terms with those parts and rather than yelling at them and cursing them, getting to a place where we can acknowledge their existance and move through them with love (towards ourselves). I see the last 8 months of my life as being a catalyst for such major change in my person and I am starting to actually have moments where I am grateful for the opportunity to look at those things that come up, knowing that I want to grow and be a fully conscious, aware, ever growing, moving forward kinda human bean. Fuck sometimes it's exhausting....
Some of the things that have come up for me around anger & guilt and feeling guilty for having anger, has been really fascinating to look at. I realize that all of those emotions and reactions are part of life and part of being human, and I am seeing how much of my church background and my upbringing has stopped me from feeling and expressing anger...even when completely warranted. And then feeling guilty for being angry and being scared about being or expressing anger because people won't like me or will be offended, or that I will hurt someones feelings or that i will somehow just become an angry person..and we all know people like that..and I don't want to become a person like that or react from that place....and blahblahblah. I think in Western society in particular, we are warned about getting angry and taught, especially as women, to not express anger. Rather to keep it inside and not acknowledge it's existance....or take a pill.
As my friend Deb says though, all these things are part of our world and, if we can express them in a conscious way (in word, song, writing etc) and leave it there...not take it away and stew on it over and over again forever and a day, replaying it over and over....then that is true growth. That even enlightened people have felt and expressed anger.
Hmmm..these are things I ponder on as I feel ties from my past fall away from me and for the first time yesterday as I walked through the streets of Allegan after my session, I felt kinda like me again...but different.
This is what is called a 'giant turtle', homemade in Allegan, MI. Its chocolate with caramel and pecans. Its really bloody good, a little at a time....over the course of a few hours. Add to that a glass of red wine, a wicked thunderstorm, and a good movie after a magnificent massage and cranial therapy/chakra thingy session....and it seems that this is indeed the end to a good day.
Blessed and clear right at this moment, is how I feel
So, one other part of my adventure to Michigan that I wanted to mention, happened last night on the drive from Kalamazoo to Allegan. A white owl flew directly in front of the car, so close that you could touch it. It was beautiful and magical and left us both with our mouths open a little. Tory said she believed it was a sign for me and that an owl (this looked like a white owl) sign in animal medicine is a symbol of rebirth, of releasing patterns and ties that hold you back. I also found this information about it online:
Owl knows that all apparent manner of death is in fact a liberation into a new life. Something must first be cleared away for anything new to be born. When a person moves, leaves a job or relationship, has a baby, adopts a new animal friend, something in the old way of life had to die for the new to be created. At the time it may seem incredibly painful because we have been taught that death is an ending, not a new beginning, and that what is in the process of being born is always more beneficial than the old. The pain and grief is extended and heightened when we try to hang on to what was because we believe that it's the best we would ever have. The unknown can seem dreadfully forbidding.
Owl medicine can also help a person to extract secrets, to see that which is hidden in the darkness and is very powerful for soul retreivals for this reason. Much like their Animal Totem, the two-legged beside whom Owl flies will possess a uncanny ability to penetrate beyond the masks, untruths, "white lies" and deceits of others in order to see to the Truth of the matter, individual or experience.
So, here I am in Allegan,MI after the slowest Amtrak ride ever. Seems it was the little train that could and at one point when I heard them announce that we were stopped because they were needing to build a path for the train....all I could do was laugh. It seemed like a comedy of errors ranging from that to having to pull the train off the tracks at one point because they suddenly realised that another train was coming the other way. I kid you not. A 3 hour trip ended up taking around 5 1/2...but, a little nap, a little writing, a little chatting, a little texting, a little looking out the window and realizing that I could have jogged faster than the train was going...and I was here.
Its definately a nice relaxed space up here overlooking this body of unknown water and I am off to explore the town before my first session. Woohoo....bring it on!! Totally excited by it.
I am sitting on my first ever Amtrak train heading to Kalamazoo, Michigan! I decided last minute that I was going to head up for the rest of the week to spend some time with my friend Tory, who is not only a fabulous singer, but a very intuitive healer also.
Ironically enough, I met Tory at the national womens fest last year when I lost my voice and she did some chakra and massage work on me to help me get it back. We have spent good time over the last few months chatting on the phone and sharing our journeys with each other and I am glad to call her a friend. She has been one of the voices on the other end of the phone who has helped me find clarity and understanding when I have struggled to find it.
We caught up at pride on Sunday and I knew I had take up her offer of doing some cranial sacral/chakra work in exchange for offering what I know about songwriting!! Gulp.
Anyway, I am going not only because my bod is still in a little grief over the car accident, but also because I need some help with cutting the ribbons that still tie me to someone and something I don't want be tied to anymore. The intuitive moments that call me back to this person daily. I am done trying to understand it, or find truth where none is offered, or wonder and question and scream outloud about it. I am done. I am going because I need to be finished with this energy. I want to be able to write about it and sing about it and not feel tears running down my cheeks each time. I want to remove the triggers this experience holds in my life. I want my chakras clean of it, I want to do what I can to purge my heart and soul of it before it hurts me anymore that I have already let it. I want to do my own exorcism. (look out for spinning heads and vomit).
And I am going because I can, because Tory has so generously opened up her home and her gifts to me and I hope I can bless her with my gifts in return.
I am sitting in the DRs office, about to get checked out because of the car accident last week, and the nurse walked in to do all my blood pressure stuff when she noticed the tattoo on my arm.
'This, too, will pass'
She held her hand to her heart and I watched as goose bumps rose on her arms and tears welled up in her eyes. She told me her mum use to say that to her all the time when she was alive and that she felt it was a sign from her mum to remember. Seems her son has just been shipped off to Afghanistan and mumma is stressed and nervous to send her youngest born off. Hell, who would blame her.
We both concurred that all things, good and bad, will pass.
