So, we are saying goodbye to Deb today and its a sad goodbye. Deb heads back to Australia at the end of this month for good and visiting phoenix just won't be the same.
She has deeksha'd (sp?) us all week, been in a car accident, hit the weirdest Chicago pride ever, gone on my bike ride with me most days, shared her story and listened to mine (mostly listened, occasionally just nodded like she was listening as I rehashed the same shit!!), drunk beer, seen fireflies for the first time, told some of the funniest stories ever, eaten pizza till she popped, gotten brain freeze, had sunburn and been drenched by the rain...all on the same day, traipsed around Chicago with me all day being a good tourist and just been a fucking good soul to spend a week with.
Gotta love people like that and you know I am grateful, yet again, to call her friend.
So, this is the bizarrest pride festival ever. Just when we thought it was finished, it started again, and again, and again. We went and had lunch because we thought it was done and about 20 minutes later, it started again!
But....this is my fav thing in the parade so far. If I had a poodle, I'd probably do this to it too, or maybe not. Or maybe.
Anyway, back to the stopping...oh no, starting again parade.
This is really the parade that just keeps on giving.
This is the welcoming committee as you walk into Chicago pride. I was happy to see that the noise they were making was well and truely drowned by the cheers of happy gay people.
The party continues outside the famous marios Italian ice in little Italy. Its a tiny hole in the wall with lines out to the street. We looked for parking for 20 minutes to come sample it...will tell you in a minute how it is.
Sitting here at gino's pizza in downtown Chicago with my mate Deb and the sweet Kathleen...who is the director of tonights festivities.
Gino's is a famous pizza place down here and the walls are lined with graffiti...the only restaurant I have ever been to where they encourage you to draw on the walls.
Its a fun night of cheeky laughs, intimate stories of broken hearts, deep dish pizza, and of course, its pride here in Chicago this weekend. We are all hitting the parade tomorrow and are planning our outfits now....pasties/tassels and chaps is where we are leaning towards right now.
So, what a fun night da hockey girls turned into. Of course, that might have just been me...I think my mates were a little bored and were waiting for me to want to leave. I thought there was going to be a brawl at one stage but I wasn't lucky enough to start that. Damn. And I tried....
Kudos out to Kim, Becky, Mary T and the other members of the teams.
This is an art installation in downtown Chicago called the 'thousand faces of chicago'. Its literally 1000 faces of Chicago people that come up on these huge tv screens. At various intervals the faces purse their lips and a huge water spray comes out the lips.
Its an awesome installation to watch, but more so, the kids in front of them make me laugh my ass off. Most definately I fight with ripping my clothes off and jumping in with them. Although, I did just see a dad in his three piece suit out there with his kid, which was beautiful to watch.
I am happy to report that we are all mostly fine this morning. We all actually had heat stroke last night too (because we stood out on the road with the car in the sun for too long). That resulted in us chucking up through the night (I know, pretty image). But....aside from a little stiffness, we are happy campers.
Yes, miraculously, my guitar survived with just a little crack. Here's an amazing thing, I actually had a pa system on the back seat with me, at the last minute I decided to put it there instead of in the trunk, and put my guitar in the trunk (in a soft pack)....which I would NEVER do normally. If that pa system had have gone in the trunk, the depth of impact would have pushed the system into my back and wedged me between the seats. See....there's always a silver lining, no?
Back to laughing at the chidlins. More Chicago experiences to come....including a party tonight with two womens ice hockey teams....hmm.
Lol.....so the first thing we said after being rear ended, was 'let's get a beer'. So all plans are cancelled and we are sitting in the beer garden of the local, drinking a shandy and talking up a storm. Enjoying the sun and each other.
Deb, my beautiful Buddhist friend, performed the oneness blessing on all of us on the side of the road straight away and we have all been calmly moving through the events of the morning. Feeling a little stiff and having a few moments of 'WTF!'.
I had a moment of wondering what else I was being asked to learn after the accident. As in, a 'not again' moment. But we have been talking a lot about what are our lessons to learn and what are others lessons to learn.....like, was the accident the other drivers lesson and we just happened to be there (which is the consencus). As Deb said, he couldn't have hit three nicer people (and then said that given that was her first ever car accident, that she couldn't think of three better people to be in it with..lol). We were as concerned about him, as we were ourselves.
So....here we sit. Talking about what's important in life and what is ours and not ours and what just happens along the way.
How many car accidents can one little musician be involved in? Rear ended in stopped traffic on the 290, can barely believe it. Was on the way to a show, chatting away when he came up behind us (we were told he was drunk, but it seems that maybe he was just impatient...).
I was sitting in the back seat, my guitar in the trunk. And you know, even though cute fire fighters tried to get me into the ambulance, I couldn't do it and I am a little sore and grateful to be alive. Again.
So, dinner plans got cancelled last minute and after a trip to the local organic farmers market, we have been enjoying a meal of goats cheese, fresh organic bread and tomatoes and yummy red wine.
But really, the reason for this post are the kitties. They were just given an organic cat nip plant and I swear to god, they are stoned right now. Kwan here could barely lift his head off the ground. I have never seen stoned kitties....
So, I think I have good stories and experiences in this world but this morning, over Vegemite and toast, when my mate Deb started a story with: 'when I use to fly a plane'....I knew that I wanted to find more.
She performed the 'oneness blessing' on me this morning (google it if you are interested) and we talked on intention and becoming friends with the brain (hello brain, I am not going to ignore you, or leave you behind, so would you just let me have a little break for now and we can pick this up again later).
This is my pommie bastard/ Australian mate Deb from Arizona. She flew in today to spend a week hanging out with me, teaching me about meditation (I call her the meditation guru), checking out Chicago and shooting the shit with me. She has been living here in the US since 2000, when I first met her doing Velvet Janes shows around the area, and she is done. She misses Australia too much and is heading back there at the end of July.
But not before she spends a week with me....
She just said 'we'll have to get up at the sparrows fart` (ie we will have to get up early).....it made me laugh hard!
I am having a 'nothing' day today, deciding to let my body get over the weekend and doing things I love and that feel good for said body. I am in the middle of a bike ride right now and have been thinking about the weekend highlights for me. In no particular order I wanted to share...
Jamming till 4am with Nancy Scott. Laughing our asses off as we played tunes and talked about life. Excited I get to play with her again in Sept and Oct. (Indy and Texas)
Performing in front of a full house of people ready for the ride.
Two words.....Dueling interpreters.
Working with the stage crew at the festival, such good souls who work their asses off.
Standing behind Andrea Gibson at the Sunday jam and watching her entire body shake as she performed one of the most powerful spoken word pieces I have ever heard (still gives me chills thinking about it).
Hearing Chris Williamson play for the first time. Beautiful.
The auction....was the best workout I had all weekend.
Rocking the stage at the Sunday jam with JJ Johnson....trying to work out now how to play with her more!
Hanging out with musical mates Lyndell Montgomery, Jamie Andersen, Tret, Julie Loyd, Melindeh (whose bday is the same as mine), Ellis & Terri, Mel Watson, Jenn Todd and all the new musical and non musical mates I made.
The blue moon in the artists care room....and the sanctuary that Cathy, Joyce and Marsha provided for us there.
Hanging out with the indy crew Thursday night....grateful for the laughs and talks....and beers!!!
Being a part of a festival that started with a vision and has grown and developed into an amazing 4 day extravaganza. Hoping I always get to be involved one way or the other and feel like I am part of this amazing family.
Sure there's more...but those things come out now.
This is Ellis, Edie Carey and the wonderful chicks from Girl Parts. We are finishing up at the festival and what a blast it was. Now its home to sleep for a week.
I feel so blessed to not only be surrounded and welcomed by an amazing community of musicians, but also wrapped up in the beautiful arms of a listening, attentive crowd. Music festivals are really the greatest part of my job.
Sunny and Diana - the amazing interpreters from the festival. I asked them to come on stage and duel this song....it's the song Take You...and wow, they are so fucking hot doing it that I could barely sing....
I am sitting backstage, waiting to go onstage. My faithful blunnies on my feet. I am itching to play and we are running an hour late.
I am going to have 'dueling' sign language interpreters during my song 'take you' tonight. They have a whole thing planned out and I swear, if I look at them, I am going to laugh....it won't help me sing sexy, but it will sure help me reclaim some of this song.
Many wonderful peeps back here with me....the sweet Nancy Scott, the wonderful Sunny & Diane (the interpreters) and the techies. All good for the spirit and I am breathing in and out, getting my heart and person ready to play.
Tret Fure is playing on stage right now with a kick ass band consisting of Lyndell Montgomery and Pamela Means andJJ Johnson.
The community of women here is great, I never want to leave them, want to be enveloped by them and throw my arms around each one of them and love on them.
No, this isn't something from a Steven King movie....its the name of the funky new pedal I bought yesterday and launch tonight at my show. I am standing on stage waiting for my soundcheck to happen. The festival is gaining momentum around me and although I have a few moments of 'damn, and you were going to be here with me', I am pumped and ready for a good set.
Now if the piano tuner would just get his ass off stage so I can start checking....
"Growth doesn't depend on the will of the intellect but on the intensity of the inner urge."
Thanks Michelle for passing that one along......I thought it said 'inner rage' to begin with...but damn, if that inner urge isn't kicked into overdrive.
Getting ready for the festival....photos coming up soon!!
[addendum to post....so, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if this post would see 24 hours due to the possible TMI factor...but your comments were so good, and I appreciate the time they took to write, so I wanted to keep something up here to honor them....umm, so here goes]
I am sitting in millenium park in downtown Chicago listening to classical music. It's a nice night....a little sunny and nice wine.
So.....I have this 'friend'....she recently fell in love with someone who told her it was safe one second and then recanted the next, and then said something different the next..and, well, you get it. It didn't work out so well at all, lots of back and forth, lots of words, not sure which bits are true anymore, seems a big ole huge lot of it wasn't.
My 'friend' is moving along and away from it pretty good, although there are definately some moments.
Seems my 'friend' keeps getting given new bits of information about the situation from people...me personally, I am not sure if it's a good or a bad thing getting 'said' bits of information...makes the situation much uglier and nastier and liar-ier than my 'friend' even thought it was. But, I digress.
My 'friend' kicks herself often....feels icky, a little dumb and confused. 'Friend' is realizing more and more that she is a little naive, and that this half or no truth stuff isn't actually an isolated incident in the world of the person my 'friend' fell in love with. And whilst trying to own her part in the experience, grow and learn and all that self improvement kind of stuff, my 'friend' is having a bit of trouble working out what to do with all 'said' new pieces of information.
Latest revelation passed onto said 'friend' is that 'said' person that said 'friend' fell for, 'said' they broke up with ex (twice) but turns out that perhaps 'said' person hadn't really done so all along....that both my 'friend' and said 'ex' were kept in the dark..or in the pocket, or just fucked around with all the way along. Even though 'said' person 'said' all the right things about not wanting 'said' ex and her 'said' energy, in her life ever again and falling in love with said 'friend' and blah..blah..blah. (sorry to said 'friend'...no disrespect intended by the blah blah bit). Oh, and 'said' ex and and 'said' person, are now living together... just two months after final impact.
Sooo....if you were me, what would you tell said 'friend' in an effort to help her move through this as gracefully and with as few hangovers as possible (umm....not the drunk kind, but the 'after effects of finding out new yucky pieces of information' kind)? Coz, this is a totally fucked up situation and possibly some of us have been there before and how does one remain sweet and not just FUCKING ANGRY in a 'I HATE YOU, WISH YOU'D NEVER HAPPENED' kind of way?
Xxm Who knows nothing it seems....
(and who just realized that this post is actually longer than the last....damn!!)
I am in the middle of my bike ride, sitting here looking at this pretty tree and the sky, waiting for a friend to come meet me for coffee, pondering on the national womens music festival, which starts tomorrow. Thinking about my set list and my performance. Memorizing poems, just incase the mood strikes me. I am excited about this festival....not only because I had bloody blast last year, no voice and all, but because it is a chance to play....to plug into a big sound system and put my head down and rock. That's really cathartic for me. And, its four days of hanging out with old mates and making new ones and being reminded of the things I love in this life of mine.
Have you ever read the book 'The Little Prince'? It's probably my most favorite book in the world (and where the tattoo on my left forearm comes from 'on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur' - one sees well only with the heart - the rest of the phrase, the bit I couldn't fit on my arm says - 'what is essential is invisible to the eye'.) Reading that book has actually taught me a lot over the years about love and friendship and respecting people's hearts.
I tell you all this because I had this dream this morning that was 'one of those' dreams....you know, telling me something really powerful for myself.
In my dream I had just had an exhaustive, horrible battle with someone who had ambushed me and I was laying on the ground trying to recover. Infact, I was knocked out cold by it. In my dream I saw this exact image:
Which of course is the image of the boa constrictor swallowing the elephant from The Little Prince.
The boa constrictor, who I think was who I had the battle with initially, moved towards me to try to start to swallow me as well and suddenly I was surrounded by friends who put their hands under my arms and started to pull me out of the way of the snake.
I woke up at one point and looked down at the snake and tapped it's nose (do they have nose's?) with my foot and simply told it to leave me alone, that it couldn't have me, that me and my friends wouldn't let it....and besides, it was too full with all the other stuff it had eaten to fit me in, or to even catch me. And the boa constrictor looked at me really sadly, and for a minute, I felt really sorry for it and wanted to invite it to come with me so we could be friends....but I knew it's nature was to consume and that it would never be safe, and that I needed to go.
So I did.
And then I woke up and knew that it was an important lesson for me to learn right now.
And that I needed to read The Little Prince again......
So, the power returned this morning to applause all around the neighborhood, well at least in my room. The new generator kept the frozen things....well.....frozen and I nursed a nice glass of brandy by candlelight and pondered on life without generators.
My bike path has been turned into an obstacle course though, this was the smallest of four trees across the path. The largest of which required me to climb up the tree and pull my bike over the top of it. The nannies with their charges on the other side had quite a nice laugh as I clambered over it, but you know, I am a girl on a mission.
Out here, that storm took a lot of power lines down it seems. So, dinner is consisting of all the things in the fridge that need eating before they melt....or get warm at all....or might never recover....or that I just feel like eating.
'We' are planting a Fat Albert blue spruce tree. The royal 'we' I mean. I am sitting here directing, the tree is little right now but oneday it will be as wide as sharon's arms....my friend Julie says planting a tree can be symbolic in the way of keeping life going, encouraging growth, reminding us about moving forward.....and anything to keep me out of my brain and reminding me of those things.
Oh, and we have no power here in Brookfield. A massive storm hit early this morning and knocked everything out. I am happy to say that Trina made it outta here in time.
--- a re-write -- (all names have been removed...haha)
love and hate - two different extremes? Or kinda similar?
I am finding myself feeling one, where the other once stood. It's a strange feeling, haven't had it in a long time...many, many, many years infact. But wow, it's alive..and here. I want to move it to indifference but right now it's just hate. Mixed with a few moments of disbelief. And a dash of what the fuck. And I am letting it be for the moment. But I wondered about it....
I fight with myself over it, telling myself I want to be a more evolved person, more gracious towards the world, not give the fucked up person anymore of my energy (oh, a little bit of anger there too)...but then I just realized that I can let myself move through it...knowing that it stems from a really fucked up situation that was severely painful and life changing for me. Where trust was abused and heart lies were told. That what we resist, persists.
I hear people who know better and more than me, telling me to be glad that I 'dodged a bullet', that I 'escaped' when and how I did, to be grateful, that I got 'out of the train wreck alive'...that doesn't quite quell the pain in my gut, but I get the concept.
If I could scratch it and the experience it followed, off my skin, I would...with sand paper, barbed wire even. But then that would just hurt me more...so back to working on indifference, and being grateful I suppose and pondering on this new found feeling, at least for this moment, as I watch it slip away from me, off my skin...and writing it all out.
"Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don't stand a chance against it." The Snow Queen
To the tour van....at night, when the van is all lit up, its a site to see.
We are driving up to crystal lake for annemarie's 40th bday celebrations tonight. Kinda quiet here in the van. I think the tequila shots from last night has kinda hit us hard today. Mind you, I did my first ever body shot off the Shoshanna's extremely nice torso, with an open ended invitation to go back for more anytime. Gotta love that, no? That would have been worth a hang over.
We walked around the indy fair today and tried to find the pride celebrations with no luck. It was a sunny day and was nice to take some time.
Thanks to the crew out there for coming out to the show and for the kudos for the new poems and songs......seems anger from feeling totally used and fucked over by someone is a universal feeling, sometimes a little too universal in a 6 degrees of separation kinda way. Like I always say, falling in love with a songwriter can be fun in a writing love songs kinda way.....but fuck a songwriter over, and we is hoping for a top 10 hit.
Trina doing her thing onstage. A room full of nice people, warm, happy to hear good music. Listening to my mate play her tunes. Glad to be here, surrounded by friends.
This is the crew of people who are running the show here in indy tonight. Bloody good people who love music and indie artists and we feel loved and supported by them.
Good mates, good food, good wine....getting ready for a good show.
This is trina and her handy little thing that shows us that we are driving between two storms right now. And that perhaps indy is getting hit by rain right now....we have texts out to find out....because you know, we have eaten sugar in the van and need to expend energy. We put up new lights in the back of the van and now we are twiddling.....our thumbs and each others thumbs.
Its going to be a very naughty show tonight, we can already tell.
In the back of the tour van (usually stays here) but here is a little peek...its where we change guitar strings!! I know, SO rock and roll.....as we hide the drugs and naked bodies.
Napping. We are going to walk the hood to hold off the after amazing meal sleep time. Talking about our shows this weekend, about life and love and looking out for one another. Love these girls, know that they have my heart and my back...I feel safe in their beautiful presence and honored by their beauty and existance in my world.
I am working out how this year and this years lesson is about less analysing. I had a psychic reading last month and even she said I needed to analyse less. So.....
This mans mate accidentally fired a nail gun at his head and a 2 1/2 inch nail lodged into his skull. Doctors removed the nail with a claw hammer. True story!! I am resisting the urge to sit here and wonder how ones mate 'accidentally' fires a nail gun into your head.....and definately have resolved not to have 'those' kinds of mates.
Ahh, grateful for my friends....who don't own nail guns.
Well, there's one good thing about the on/off of this crazy weather, and that is that it causes things to grow fast. Infact, there are already flowers on the tomatoes. It makes me happy to watch the progress.
I was smiling at the garden yesterday and realised that I was looking on it in the same way I was feeling on myself. In that I have felt myself go through huge growth and change in the last 6 months, most of that growth was due to painfilled experiences that I hope never to repeat, but I get that sometimes growth can only happen through pain. That seasons come in and out through all of our lives to help us become the people we want to be. And that we are only ever responsible for ourselves and can't change or save or cause anyone else but ourselves to grow. I can see my own growth, I have witnessed it and know it to be true.
But you know, just when I think I am over the hump of it all though, I find myself faced with feelings of loss and anger and betrayal again. Wondering when I will get through a whole day without thinking about it or feeling it. I know I told the universe that I want to heal from this properly, to not perpetuate the emotional & physical dishonesty that was vomitted all over me by someone who hadn't done the work, to be clear about what is mine to own and what isn't, to move through this with grace if I can but always with honesty....but FUCK!!
Enough already!!
My head knows this situation doesn't deserve anymore of my energy or my love or my power. I have taken measures to protect myself from anymore pain from said person. My head also knows that there are greater issues here than just this, that it triggered stuff from long ago that I am being given the opportunity to deal with. I have exposed me and my process to people who love me and kick my ass and help me work out what is mine and isn't. I have tried to lay it all out on the line so no stone is unturned in the healing process . But jeebus, when will my heart and my ego just get it and just let it go and be healed already. I am tired of it in a 'regret every second because the fall out wasn't worth the few moments of bliss' kinda way. I am just ready for it to be purged from my being. I KNOW that this is showing me that there are still things for me to work out, things to handle better, places to shine light on, feelings to learn how to look after and sometimes it's just my kid kicking up a storm. I am ready to be done now though...just ready.
Maybe I need to find a sweat lodge....until then, I am going to get back to my bike ride, hoping to sweat it out this way.
Ahh, what a pretty garden, no?
Xxm
ps...problems with blogger preventing posting yesterday...doah
So, I am learning a few things about living in the Midwest.
One is the smells. I can be out riding my bike and find myself smiling at the fragrance of the flowers and bushes and just the air....and then there's the incredible smell of dryer sheets. Yes...you read right. The little dryer sheets people put in with their wet clothes?? Yes, they waft out into the street and up my nose.
Also, baby animals....seriously cute.
Then of course there's ALWAYS the fear of imminent rain. One must look at the sky as one heads out on a bike ride because one has a very likely chance of getting caught in rain such as this. Hmm. You think this one would be learning this by now....ahh, but sometimes I can be a bear of very little brain. Or I just plain want to risk it.....
And, people here are just so damn friendly. One of my favourite moments was at the festival yesterday when a young lady walked up to me and said, quite seriously, 'have I done you, or do you play music?'.
Ahh, yes, Midwest living....
Xxm
Ps....you know which of those was correct.....right?
Photo for the day, I promise!! Sooo many things to document today and this weekend. Now I run through the rain to meet mates who escaped the rain to the local sports bar.
Big damn smile on my face though....I want to do this for the rest of my life.....have huge adventures with amazing people, breathe deeply and say a big thank you to the world.
So, they cut the show short because of the lightning overhead....damn this audience is faithful to stand in the heavy pouring rain, lightning, thunder cracking.....singing along to every song as though its the happiest day of their lives.
So, the first time the ig's were onstage horrible feedback forced them off. There's a massive thunderstorm overhead, the audience is soaked, but the show goes on....kinda.
If you are going to sit anywhere to check out the pretty ladies (and be checked out by) this is SO the place to do it from. Sitting sidestage waiting for the show...this is the damn cool view
So, here at Milwaukee pride and I gotta tell you....no one is here! I think the thought of a tornado scared people away....not this little aussie. I laugh in the face of a tornado.....ha! (mind you, see me run like a girl when one is actually coming this way)
So here we hang, drinking margaritas and we could posssibly be one of a handful of people moshing to the indigo girls.
But we, the mighty storm chasers, are heading back to Milwaukee today to hang and to hopefully catch the indigos show tonight. It might not happen but we will all be there anyway and I will get to spend the day with my mate Julie anyway.
My mate Amy just declared that the skies in the north look pretty light....and I think that's a good thing!!?
Heading to catch up with my mate Julie before they get on the tour bus to head to the storm land we just left (trying to see if I can stow away) and I feel for sure that there may be an indigo sighting....keep tuned folks, you know you will see it here first...
Did a great set at the festival, well, it felt good. It was loud (heard it made people's 'bits' vibrate) (always LOVE that) and the breeze off the lake was like natural airconditioning (stupid aussie asking at one point where they were hiding the airconditioners onstage....hmm). And it included my new bits...the fucking rockin dirty guitar amp and my stomp pedal (ie sounds like a bass drum). People are excited and ready for the National in two week....I get to hang out up there with good mates and damn, if this isn't a good month of shows and friends.
Just got this photo sent to me from the girls down in evansville. This is my mate trina with Nini Camps and Marilyn. The Inside Out Festival is in full swing and I am missing it...oh to be many places at once.
In the middle of a huge fucking storm....can you tell the little Aussie is a little buzzed by the thought of escaping the storm....although I reckon we are running along with it right now....
So, the tornado warning siren just went off here in Milwaukee and everyone is scattering. I just got a quick lesson in shelf clouds and the direction of tornados. Its pretty cool to me but people here are stressed out and running away. SO...we are leaving and heading to Chicago to have room service with Julie Wolf.
This is the stage packed up after the show....it was pulled down so fast and now we sit in the balcony with mates and look proudly out, as though we ourselves played the gig (well, I did play it in my head!)
So, here we are at the house of blues, watching the indigo girls. See the chickie over there to the right on the keyboards? That's my great mate Julie Wolf. So proud of her watching her do her thing, and doing it so well!
Good show, guitars changed EVERY song....which you know, i am jealous of. Wish I had a bionic guitar tech.
My friend Deb in AZ has been helping me through a mini meltdown...you know, one of those days when everything seems like it has no answer. We talked a lot about just sitting with uncomfortable feelings, heart pains etc....not attaching yourself to them, but just identifying them and letting them fall away. Feed them for a moment, if you have to, and at the end of the moment...move on. That being conscious of them and where they are coming from is a HUGE moment in and of itself.
She reminded me of the following three things to do on days like those...
Have Strong intent (be clear about what you want)
Make the Right effort (be conscious of being prepared to do the 'work' whatever it is and not treading on anyone else)
Divine grace (connecting with to ask for help)
It seems to be a daily lesson for me and sometimes I forget to remind myself or to take myself back to this place. But these three things are going up onto the back of my door...and I am looking for a body part to tattoo..lol. (not)
Off to the Indigo Girls show tonight - my mate Julie Wolf is playing with them and I get to go and make faces at her on stage!
This is the view as I walk. Its a beautiful night after a beautiful dinner with a beautiful friend. The hum of electricity lines, lost fireworks and children outside playing with water speckle the evening.
To end a day more focused than I began, more aware of my truth, of myself and my process in this world, is a good thing. To congratulate myself for making it through this day. For the healing that takes place in my soul with each congratulations. Offering myself the gift of distance and the belief that 'this, too, will pass' . To have people around me who witness me and remind me and teach me and love me.
(this photo is from a series of amazing photos a mate from Australia sent me - check out www.alexcearnsphotographics.com.au for more...bloody awesome shots)
I subscribe to a thing called the Daily OM...it's an email that gets sent to you everyday with an inspirational message or a lesson in it to think about. Usually it's pretty spot on for me, so I figure a lot of us are going through the same things because I can't be the only one that thinks it's spot on...not like the email starts off with 'Martine, here is YOUR daily lesson'.
Anyway....amazingly....this is todays. Spot on mates....spot on.
Ending the Cycle
One of the hardest things in life is feeling stuck in a situation that we don’t like and want to change. We may have exhausted ourselves trying to figure out how to make change, and we may even have given up. However, each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve and to declare to the universe that we are ready for change. We may even say out loud that we have tried and struggled and have not found a way, but that we are open to help, and that we intend to keep working to create change for ourselves. Making this declaration to the universe, and to ourselves, may be just the remedy for the stagnation we are experiencing. And, it can be done today, right now.
It is difficult to understand, even with hindsight, how the choices we have made have added up to our current situation, but it is a good idea to examine the story we tell ourselves. If we tend to regard ourselves as having failed, this will block our ability to allow ourselves to succeed. We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices.
When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck. Now we can declare our intentions to the universe, knowing that we have done the inner work necessary to allow our lives to change. Allow today to be the day to end cycles and enter into a new way of being.
So, I think musicians around the country are taking to other forms of work to help pay for the cost of touring at the moment. With gas going past $4 a gallon and airfares going through the roof, its making people like me re-think the way we tour. Trying to get creative about sponsorship deals, all that stuff (have a business? Talk to me about fuel sponsorship!!).
So, I am out taking a walk, trying to nut it all out. Use to be that I would be on the road two weeks of the month. Now its actually more beneficial to just head out for 9-10 dates spread out over a month. Tis frustrating times to be sure. I heard via a friend via someone from Exxon, that gas is going to come down to where it was right around election time. Damn fuckers!!
(conversation just heard on the street....in strong Chicago accent (think mafia) ' you just got off the phone to my mother?'....'NO.....I just off the phone to my mother you fat pig.') but I digress.....
So here I walk, as my shorts fall off my ass, throwing it all out to the universe and now I stop to listen to what it has to say back.
Xxm
Oh? The picture? It reminded me of being grounded....that's the goal my friends, finding my ground....honoring it, trusting it, treasuring it and then holding onto it with both hands knowing that it's the most valuable thing. To know and believe in my core. Unaffected, unswayed (sp?), un-redirected by anything...or anyone else. Easier said that done, no?
Wise words passed to me today..and now I pass them to you:
So, big news in this country today....such a mixed reaction in that people are happy to see the first African American nominee for president of the USA, but it came with the price of losing the chance for the first woman nominee. So, bitter sweet in some ways.
Still, change is a good thing, especially when it comes to the political state of this fine country. It will be an interesting story to watch unfold.
I don't know if you can see it, but at the top of the paper it has a line that includes the price, the temperature, the day and then the word 'lively'....as though its descriptive of the paper. I think I need to start including such a line on blog posts.
Super expensive | slightly sweaty (on a ride) | Wednesday | pondering
Did a show tonight in Chicago and wanted to take a pretty picture to show you the venue and the beautius faces that turned up....but alas, I forgot the phone. Doah. Ohhhh..hang on, no I didn't...HERE is a photo of the audience that turned up to last nights show. It was glorious and funny and Mr Scott Free, the host of Homolatte, was beautiful. Thanks to those crew that turned up...new and old! Twas nice to see your faces....can you see yourself here??
So, this is part of the view on my ride every morning, its Salt Creek....well, creek. (is it salt creek creek or just salt creek....or salt creek river? Oh no, that would be dumb...and does it ACTUALLY have salt water? Suppose I could taste it...).
I am going to hit the century mark this week....mind you, as I sit here at starbucks, my half way point, I see the massive dark clouds coming out and I think all I am going to hit this morning is rain. Oh well, a little thunder storm never hurt anyone....right?
I realised this morning that there are 'regulars' on this path. I see them every time I am out here and found myself saying a very happy... ' hello, its bloody nice to see you this morning' to them as I rode past them. I was really happy to see them...to see that we are all out here, doing it together.
The bloody divine creative urge hits at the strangest times sometimes. I can be fast asleep and woken up with something new and you know, because I go on about 'honoring the process of creativity', I pull myself up and out of slumber to write (which is a big deal given my sleeping habits).
I think I am writing 2-4 poems a day at the moment, some of them make it out..some of them don't. It's cathartic and wonderful and healing and revealing. It's also kinda scarey as I haven't written poetry since I was a teenager and it can be more revealing that songwriting sometimes...although, maybe I am just more use to songwriting now? The fact that it has come back to me with such a force is amazing to me. I know it's been a tremendous gift from the universe and I will actually start reading some of these at shows in the future.
Anyway, the songs are still coming too and as I lay here at 2am, now talking to my nephew on IM..I breath out for a moment after waking up with the latest. What makes it is on the writings page (link above) for anyone who cares to read.
I have added new toys to my sound. A wah, a distortion pedal, a stomp box, a big dirty old amp. I am not sure if Brookfield knows what hit it today. And if I can get myself feeling strong with it, I will unveil it this weekend at pride....and then look out indy and the national.
Its big, its dirty and it captures the feeling perfectly.
This is Rose (velvet janes) and I before a show in Perth earlier this year. Rose and I have been friends for over 15 years.....we met in our churchie days when she came to see me perform after reading a review in some churchie magazine. She got up to sing with me the next day and it was like pure magic...our voices blended so well together, instantly, that you could barely tell who was singing what. The Velvet Janes were born from that moment.....
She probably knows me better than almost anyone in my world....we have been through a lot of stuff together....love, life, relationships, music, kids, death, family stuff, present shitty and not so shitty stuff and will probably be friends and have a connection for life. I hope we grow old together as friends....calling each other on our shit, laughing hard, crying and offering support for one another as we go. And then sometimes, just drinking a good bottle of wine together and marveling about how far we have come.
I talked to her this morning for almost two hours, after not talking to her for a few months and not so much talking through this whole transition time, and it was just like old times. Beautiful and honest and straight to the point. Filled with love and concern and wisdom. Her life experience revealed and shared with me in such a way that it spoke to mine in ways that only a friend of 15+ years could do. Moments of 'you know and remember this about yourself, right?' that caused my heart to actually jump with happiness in a "YEAH!!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!!!" kinda way. And moments of encouraging one another in love and gratitude for our friendship and who we have both become as adults.
I have my 55 year old guitar out on the front verandah. A nice glass of red, new tunes running through my brain. Birds and baby squirrels running around. Its a stunning night and I am wondering WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU JEMMA? I can see us here, writing, shooting the shit, singing up a storm and laughing our asses off (in between the occasional snort) (from you, I don't snort).
I think these songs will be called in years to come, my 'angry phase'. Lol. Hey, ani made a hell of a living from it, sure I will find a market....in fact, some of us probably know each other....lol.
Its another beautiful day out here....kinda reminds me of one of those magical perth days...you know, when the sun isn't too hot and the breeze is gentle and sweet. (well, I know the perthies will know). Makes me pine for you all today.
Its turning magical green out here and as I rode today (another 20 miles....next week I am going to hit the century mark!!).....I realised how grateful I am for the beauty and the wildlife out here. It definately calms and heals my heart.
I am so tired of having moments in my day when I am dropped by sadness or heartache or missing. I ask for it to be gone but know the only way is through it.
Fuckinshitpissbum.
My head knows this, my heart fights it. Or the other way around. All I do know is that I refuse to lose this or cover this with someone or something else. That causes so much fuckin pain (and believe me, as someone who just experienced this first hand, its nasty unfair pain to inflict on another soul). This won't be my legacy or the way I be in the world, that this has to be the end of this chapter, I don't want it coming up again in years time, affecting future relationships or experiences.
So, through it, is how it will be.
My vision is set on the top of the trees, and beyond. I want healthy, I want honest, I want both feet in, I want passionate, I want integrity, I want core....in life and relationships....somedays I feel like I am getting there, and other days I feel fucking miles away from it.
Thank you for the email shout outs mates. For letting me know that my exposing helps your journey somehow, for the encouragement. I really am quite a transparent soul and am not one of those people that has too many secrets. Some folks get shitty about that, but fuckem I say. My theory is that is why there is so much lonliness in this world, we don't expose enough of ourselves to show our truth to one another. Our beautiful, fucked up, magnificent truths.
Sunday afternoon, sunny thoughts...in the middle of one of 'those' moments.
